New American Wedding

Wedding Show in Baltimore

Last month I was invited to Baltimore to speak at one of the largest Bridal Shows on the East Coast. I was especially interested in meeting the brides and grooms I suspected were not likely to be New American Wedding couples. After all, they'd signed up and paid for the chance to see some very traditional vendors - big white wedding gowns, towering cakes, wedding bands who played "Celebration now - come on!". The very things I found were challenging couples across America.

So - why was I invited to speak? Because after more than the thousand interviews that built the book and the hundreds and hundreds of vendors, officiates, families and couples we've met since NAW was released, there is probably no one who knows more about who is getting married in America and why and when and how - than we do!

Jill Mullen and I went down by train. We had great media reception; television and radio interviews and a fabulous hour on Baltimore's Public Radio WYPR. You can hear that interview by going to WYPR.org, archive the Marc Steiner Show, February 20th - and there we are!

This was, as the showbiz crowd says, a Big Gig- four thousand brides and grooms in one room. It was terrifying. I went on stage after a very loud, very - shall we say, "energetic" disco hip-hop band. I was given a hand-held mike. I was so out of my depth —and I was going to be followed by a fashion show of huge, white dresses. How did I think I was going to get off of this stage without passing out, crying and/or offending the audience and/or the vendors?

I took a couple of deep breaths - and I told the crowd a little bit about our study —How many grooms are here, I asked? At least a quarter of the crowd —maybe more- that wouldn't have happened fifteen years ago, I told them. I asked them to hold up their hands if they were older than 30 —about half the crowd was. Younger than 35? Almost everyone in the room —Younger than 25? —almost no one. How many marriages in this room will be the FIRST marriage for BOTH of you? Only about half. How many marriages include children? Again about half the room raised their hands. How many of you are frustrated with the whole process and options of planning this wedding. Almost everyone's hand went up. (And remember —this crowd illustrates the TRADITIONAL bride!)

I won't take much more of your time, I said —I know that you have a lot to see and many people to meet and talk to —but —all across America we've heard couples voice the fact that they are NOT happy with the choices they're shown. They want things that are more creative and more personal. they want choices that express more of their own personality, values and style.

I've met a number of the vendors in this room today —and they're creative and they're kind and they want to please you —If you don't see what you are looking for - ask for it. Don't just shake your head and go away and give up. Don't just settle for what you've seen and feel depressed. Don't assume you are wrong. Don't assume THEY are wrong. You are ALL limited by what the media is telling you to expect and what you are being processed to 'want'.
I am telling you to dare to express yourself. You have a lot of people in this room who want to help you.

Phew, I thought as I got off the stage. Glad that's over. And then the crowd came up to us to talk. Jill had distributed a number of flyers through the day —asking just a few questions about what and how couples were managing the process of choosing, planning and purchasing for their weddings. We put them aside to read on the train on the way home; it was far too hectic to read them in the room with brides and grooms and mothers and —to our surprise —vendors —all pushing to talk and ask questions and tell their own stories. On the train we read the questionnaires and they were spot-on with our research. Almost word for word.

We have another gig in Denver on April 22nd. I'll talk for an hour this time —and answer questions and sign books all day.

As I know a little more, I'll give you a preview of the event and the radio stations we'll be on —so you might catch us via computer —if you're out of the Denver area. If you're IN Denver - do think about stopping by!

In the meantime, we'd love to hear from each and every one of you. The call-in show in Baltimore really convinced me - when the lines were choked with calls and e-mails and faxes within five minutes of our going on the air, that so many of you have great personal stories to share! Here's a venue —tell us the story of your New American Wedding. Maybe it will help someone who is struggling to find a voice for their own —or a new way to dress —or a way to manage the budget —Whatever —share!

That's the only way we'll change the culture —one authentic wedding at a time!

Welcome!

In putting together The New American Wedding, I talked to hundreds of couples, parents, siblings, friends, attendants, florists, planners, designers and even a few brilliant bakers! It was enough to show me that my original idea was right. – There was, indeed, a vast majority of weddings happening in the United States that passed beneath the radar of the Bridal Media, which were just beginning to stand up and proudly celebrate the fact that though they were not the iconic brides and grooms, plastic and placed within rigid rules on the tops of cakes, they knew about who and what they were and they were very much in love and filled with delight. Celebration was being had, unexplored and unsanctioned by the books and magazines.

What I found was even beyond my original hopes. I found a spirit of delight, profound joy in having the chance to face real-life challenges, concerns and pleasures with someone who saw the truth in their partner and loved what they saw. What better reason for celebration.

Please join us in sharing some of what you see, out there in the world, as couples unite and commit to one another in authentic and wonderful ceremonies and the creation of new ritual to mark the truth of their lives and the growth of our culture.

The Proposal

We found that New American Couples did not tend to succumb to gimmicky ways of popping the question. Quite the opposite. More often than not, neither could remember who or how it was decided that they would marry. Somehow, in context, this was all the more romantic. There are some great stories of very grown-up proposals in The New American Wedding. If you’re a New American Couple, we’d like to hear about your proposal too!

The Bridegroom

Of all the things we learned, nothing surprised me more than the position taken by New American Grooms, who wanted to make sure we understood that they were active participants in the wedding – not just players given a tux and a role. This, they made us understand, was different than the behavior of their fathers, their older brothers, or even themselves at their first wedding! Do you have an interesting take on the changing role of men in weddings? If so, we’d like to learn about it.

Commitment Jewelry

Is it always a diamond? Is it always a solitaire? Is it always a ring? Mine was a swimming pool – and that story is in the book.

Experts from designers and gem dealers to Tiffany &Co and estate jeweler, James Robinson, told us about smart trends and very creative options. New American Brides and Grooms showed us what pieces they chose to state their intent.

What have you observed about New American Engagement Jewelry?
Can you share the choices you’ve made and why you made them? Can you imagine other options?

Pre-Wedding Parties

We’re told some part of America is throwing caution to the wind with Playmate Bachelor Parties and What-Happens-Here-Stays-Here Bachelorette weekends, but we found New American Couples tended to keep the lid on.

Second marriages, more mature unions, couples who had to face the hard truths of blending families or cultures, religions or households had enough of a challenge ahead without having to pipe in drama.

On the other hand, we endorse getting away with friends – learning a new skill, visiting a spa or just talking it all out. What do you think?

Bridal Registry

Twenty-five years ago it was an exercise between a girl and her mother. Today it’s always fifty-fifty bride and groom – and if you don’t think it’s changed the face of American retail and, of course, the American home – think again!

On top of this we have blended households complete with his and her sets of china and blenders and fondue sets. What are the new Registry options? NAW shares some of the best – from trips to trees. Tell us your bridal registry stories:

The Dress

Okay. I have to be honest; the challenge of The Dress is where I really knew I was out there on my own. The fact that there wasn’t a ceremony that I thought projected our values? We were clever, we’d create one. No father to walk me down an aisle? Eliminate the aisle. But the dress? Talk about mutton dressed as lamb. But - if I didn’t look like a costumed meringue, how would the photographer know which one was The Bride? I solved it by dressing like Me with the volume turned up.

In NAW, all kinds of experts weigh in on the subject. What do you think? Do you have pictures to share? We’d love to see them.

The Attendants

Even in traditional weddings, it seems a lot of folks have had enough of the over the top, dressed-like-a-pool-float-bridesmaid. New American Weddings lead the way with some very stylish options that hold the theme without the heavy handed rules.

Have you seen a New American Wedding that presented a great solution to tie the attendant’s looks together, without making them look like a chorus line at the Roxy? Please tell us more. Pictures would be great.

The Ceremony

We heard many stories of frustration and anxiety as couples tried to manage an event that should be have been nothing but joy, but were met instead with opposition from family, clergy and places of worship. We found the center of their issues and surprisingly, often the healing answer, could be found in The Ceremony.

We share a number of ceremony options in NAW, not necessarily for readers to copy – but to open up a discussion about possibilities that diffuse problems, show differences as strengths and reinforce the positive truth of the couple while keeping the ceremony true and honest to the couple’s beliefs. There is, after all, such a great opportunity to make it real.

Have you seen or participated in a ceremony that encouraged open and tolerant acceptance of a non-traditional bride and groom and the challenges they faced? We would so appreciate hearing about the solutions you’ve encountered.

This is the way the planet gets pushed along to a more generous, more accepting place. Every one of you is part of that push – in the creation of new ritual and in the observing and appreciating of its importance.

The Reception

After creating an authentic and true ceremony, why would you want to go and pretend to be the Duke and Duchess of Whatsis at a ball? Unless, of course, you are the Duke and Duchess of Whasis – and if so, please forgive my gaffe.

We’re all for celebration, but if you make it authentic and make it completely about what is real and warm and honest in your lives – now, that’s a New American Wedding Reception that no one else would have staged in exactly the same way. And almost worth celebrating in itself!

We uncovered trends – like comfort food and cupcakes, country bands and bandanas, sunflowers and outdoor parties. But we want to hear your stories. What have you observed? What do you wish you’d see, or eat or listen to—but haven’t? What’s the next trend? We think the idea of “entertaining” is really central to a great reception. Think through what will make your guests feel comfortable, delighted, amused – entertained – by a brand that is yours alone. Do you agree?

And most of all - how have couples you know (or, perhaps – you) reflected very unique style in the way a celebration was planned and executed?

The Honeymoon

Here’s what we think: It doesn’t have to be Rome or Bali. It could be a weekend drive to a small motel on a quiet river, or a pretty little town where no one knows you. If you’ve done the heavy lifting it will take to create a truly personal, honest and authentic event, you’ll need to download when it’s over. After all, you will have been part of cultural change. Tell us what you think!

All the Kings Men

In The New American Wedding, we talk about vendors – from wedding planners to musicians, florists to jewelry designers – how to decide who will “get” the idea of a New American Wedding (and who won’t), how to be the team leader, how to think like an art director making a commercial. And we profile a number of our favorite talents.

We’d really like to know who else is out there! Who might fit our New American Wedding standards (because they are very different) in Nebraska or North Carolina?

Do you know a vendor who really ‘gets it’? Please share them with us – and, therefore, with your fellow New American Brides and Grooms (and sisters and cousins and aunts)!

Wrap up

There is not a thing about this subject I’m not interested in hearing about. I’ve just started the conversation. You will, I hope, keep it up and add to the bounty of ideas that prove, once and for all, that style and authenticity are not mutually exclusive.

If you will share your stories of how we fulfill the promise of a country that encouraged tolerance and the blending of cultures, of generosity and forgiveness in second chances, of transcendence in loving the person and not the idealized role—if you can add to this, we all grow and prosper.

And if your stories prove that love – no matter who, no matter when, no matter how late, or after how many defeats, and whether planned or invited or taken by storm or surprise – if you can show us that love and care and commitment can be valued and supported by us all as the real treasures of life on earth, then we really have something to share as we move the planet forward. Feel free.